It is true, dear–I have stress

I am currently suffering from “stress”. I am not a doctor, and I don’t know a lot about the disease, but I would conservatively estimate that I may only have 3-4 weeks left to live. Perhaps what’s worse is that I think it’s contagious, so I would keep my distance if I were you.

I remember reading once that stress–streanium-laufessinacheism by its medical term–is the number two killer in the developed world, second only two cigarette smoking. Indeed if you were to combine deaths diseases related to stress–alcoholism and depression–I beleive you would find it rivals the combination of all smoking-related deaths, including deaths from second, third, and fourth-hand smoke. Statistically, I am basically already dead.

In the usual case of stress the body undergoes a series of psycho-physical changes, including blackening of the elbows and knees, bulging of the eyes, and the part in your hair changing sides. In the later stages body hair begins to broccolize, turning green with little green bulbs at the end of the hair. Combined with just a little bit of salt this broccolized hair can taste quite good; in some extreme cases of stress, sufferers have been known to remove a limb to boil and eat the broccolized hair, though most medical professionals and nutritionists recommend steaming the vegetable to retain its natural vitamins.

There are currently no known remedies for stress–most doctors recommend not contracting the disease. For those who are too lazy for that most doctors suggest putting your faith in the Lord, praying for a sudden and unexpected death by a sword wielding football hooligan, being killed and removed from Earth by aliens, or any other incident that results in death and is more likely than your survival with the disease.

Those wishing to donate their broccolized bodies for medical tastiness after death are encouraged to do so, as it gives most medical professionals even less incentive to find a way to combat the disease. And for those waiting for their impending death a hotline is available to guide you through a recommended diet to maximize the flavour of your broccolized hair and beef-jerkyized skin at the time of your expected death. “Just don’t eat the elbows or knees,” a medical professional might say, “they taste burnt.”

Doctors do not recommend blogging while suffering from stress for the reasons mentioned above.